Commence

If I could start all over,

I don’t think I’d want to be who I am today

If I could start all over,

I feel that I wouldn’t let myself get in the way,

If I could start all over,

I would lift myself, feelings, goals and reasons above others

If I could start all over there would be no energy for this condemning poetry:

There is this pit, in my stomach

I’m eating my insides out.

My motivation has no moto to come about.

Eerie feeling that there’s someone inside of me which I’m concealing.

I do not have time for these doubtful feelings just keep on “dealing”

I am not sure if this is self hate or hate that all I do is hesitate

to embrace who I am - someone I’m concealing

Embrace? who I don’t know and who I don’t enjoy?

Maybe I’m just misunderstood...

Did doubt ever do any good?

It is never what it is?

for instance that’s a straight line above, well it depends

...My thoughts flutter and confuse

this does not amuse

any productive, beneficial part of me

which because of suffocation screams,

there is no feeling that I am one being

I often sense that I am pretending

due to flawed thoughtfulness

it’s not this or that but more or less

pretty_ugly

good_bad

lovely_hateful

strong_weak

young_old

When it comes down to it who I look at in the mirror

controls all that I think say and do

only thing about that is influence

What I have is inconsistent with what I want

Where I am is not where I want to be

What I am but more often than not I fail to see because

generally,

I want more than what anyone can give me

            I want more than I can give myself

A sense of pride accomplishment and love

But when and where do I get that when I only had it (receive it) from Above

and now I feel un-united with that Divine bit

Just keep on with this illusion of smiling

while all along I’m hiding

from the goodness of my life

consumed in worry

But I did start all over, and here I am again having fallen into a pit. I’m a misfit to myself.

But now I will simply begin again, versus starting again.